If I look back on my childhood, my 20's and frankly, half of my 30's, I can see that I was missing the ability to appreciate life's small, everyday moments as blessings. My mother raised my brother and I with the concept that blessings and gifts came in big ways. Literally a huge doll or dollhouse, a significant recognition, or a financial whirlwind were things that meant you were blessed. My husband on the other hand was raised differently. Gratitude could be present in homemade gifts, the way the light streamed across someone's face or kind words. I did not understand or relate until a couple of years ago.
You think you appreciate the mundane until one day you really know what it means for things to touch your heart, to feel joy, in the deepest parts of you.
This evening, my husband made my daughter and I a beautiful dinner. I relished every moment. I set the table with white ceramic plates. No utensils were used as we ate our vegetarian Indian meal. The spices of fennel, cinnamon and curry that wafted the air, hit our mouths with hot flavors. The more I breathed, the hotter my mouth got until I turned the fire down with handfuls of rice and gulps of water. The naan sopped up the sauce preparing me for our trip to India in October. I realized our Monday evening dinners as a family were getting fewer and fewer. My daughter will soon be off to a university in California.
After cleaning up, I looked at my cat, Maya, who shows signs of moving into the final stage of life. She stopped cleaning herself a few months ago. Today, her eyes started looking dull, like the light of her soul was leaving her. She snuggled into one of our dog beds not moving. I thought of all those moments I took for granted, even those naughty funny moments like using a ficus tree as a bathroom in front of my husband when we started dating. As I pet her, gave her water, and fed her food bedside, I realize how grateful I am to be able to share these last moments of her life with her.
It may sound odd to say that one can find gratitude in the death process. To be a witness to her passing, her vulnerability, and for her to let me serve her in what little way I can-it humbles me more than I can say.
With dying pets, I have changed diapers, cleaned up accident after accident, served food and water bedside, carried them out for bathroom breaks, chanted, prayed, given Reiki and did all of those mundane tasks I did for my daughter when she was an infant.
I wonder how present I was in my daughter's childhood. I hope that she can continue to emulate my husband and find those simple joys now and not have to wait until she is in her 30's.
Life is beautiful. We just need to be present to recognize it.
"We can learn to rejoice in even the smallest blessings our life holds. It is easy to miss our own good fortune; often happiness comes in ways we don’t even notice." Pema Chodron
