My Narcissistic Moment: What 7.125 Billion People Might Think of Me

Can I blame it on the partial solar eclipse? My emotions for the past week have been running high. I wasn't only worried about people knowing my choices in life. I had decided the reaction of those who would read my book. They wouldn't just be uncomfortable with my life's actions, but flat out offended by my "Sex and The City" like chapters on dating and my blunt NYC tongue. Oh how my mind can magically tell what someone would think before they read my words!

When I was young, my mother often told me I could not share what was going on in my life. So, naturally being young, I did the exact opposite telling everyone everything. As I grew into adulthood, I actually fell into the guidelines my mother set for me as a child. I became hyper private.

On top of that, I had been working for years on not worrying about what people thought about me. After all, everyone's entitled to their opinion and if I had to wait on 7.125 billion people learning to like me, I'd be waiting a very, very long time. I actually thought I mastered that whole part of letting go of what people thought about me thing. However, it is in those moments, when you think you have it down, that suddenly the universe goes "Really?" and gives you a test.

I told my friend today about my emotions running amok this week. I mean I'm telling you! Who's feelings did I hurt? Who did I offend? I was worried if someone at my temple read my book. This was not the one to read! My next one would be. I worried if any of the monks I knew would read it. I worried about what my family would think, my husband, my friends, my yoga students, my friends. In fact, I wondered what that one soul in Alaska or living in Wales (who was surely reading it), would have to say about me. My friend helped talk me down before being swept away in my emotional tornado. She was gracious enough to provide me with an "aha" moment.
This time, the universe did not conspire to trick me into facing the fact that I apparently have more work to do. My subconscious did. I had presented myself with the perfect opportunity to release my concerns and tell all. I could have written about meditation or perhaps have written a teen vampire fiction book. But no, I put my life to paper. While my conscious mind was excited and motivated by creativity, my subconscious mind plotted in secrecy. My friend pointed out my subconscious saw that need to kill two birds with one stone. I opened up to release my comfort zone of privacy. I also challenged myself to see if I could release my concern (and predetermination of others points of view).

So, needless to say, this week I have been floundering. However, I now am aware of where I can continue to grow. It doesn't mean that I'll master my flaws by tomorrow. It just means I'm a work in progress and that's O.K. Plus, who's got time to be a narcissist?

"I think we are all hopelessly flawed," Friedrich, Little Women

Who Am I?

"What in your life is ready to change, but you don't know how it is going to happen," were some of the opening words that author, Charles Eisenstein, shared at his talk during last week's Women of Intention gathering.

I saw a post on Facebook a few weeks ago about Eisenstein being the guest speaker at this monthly gathering. Casually I have spoken with Eisenstein at a book signing, and at a potluck at his home at the invitation of his wife. I felt compelled, drawn to go to this talk, though I did not know why. After coming back late from Canada the night before, working all day, and teaching a meditation class right before his talk, I sat in my seat, notebook and pen in hand ready to listen. The books of this humble Yale graduate  hold powerful words about the personal, social and economic transitions we are upon. I had no idea what the talk would be about, but I was ready.

Eisenstein said that a change is happening where the "mythology of ourselves" (such as Who Am I?) is becoming obsolete.

"Our old story told us who we were," said Eisenstein. He shared that perhaps we don't know who we are anymore because our story has changed; we are in the middle of our stories. Our lives are used to the pattern of planning and attempting to control reality outside of ourselves. Now, we are being called to let go of that old habit. In that space, we may find moments of change without knowing where it came from.

My daughter who is ready to submit college applications, has said she wished she had a book of answers. Something where she could pick her own adventure and flip to the back of the book, check out the outcome of her decision and only then decide if she truly should take that path. I laughed thinking of Eisenstein's words. If we don't know our story, how do we live life?

Recently, I watched Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. She talked about the "hero's journey." In most mythology, there is a common story of how a hero develops. The start of a journey. Denial of new role. Acceptance of new role. Trials. Overcoming obstacles. However, according to Gilbert, women didn't have these stories. The heroes of fiction and history were men. Now women are looking to create their own heroes journey outside of the traditional role of women in those stories - married, mother, waiting for the hero to return home. Now she wants to be the hero and she is looking for her own quest.

We are standing in the middle of a shifting dynamic. Our lives were never completely predictable in the past. We were always at the mercy of the chaos that lives in the unmeasurable outcomes of each decision we make. Now it seems, we are ready to start learning how to let go, and live like a fish in the ocean, moving with the tide to get where we are meant to be.

The New Road Ahead

A friend asked me this evening if I was excited about my upcoming book. I told her I frankly was scared. My life will be out there. My fear, my pain, my joys. All of it will be out there to be reviewed, criticized, and analyzed. 

For someone who grew up in NYC where you pretend to have privacy and not notice your neighbor, and growing up in a home that said not to tell anyone your life, it goes against the fabric of my nurturing. However, my nature is as a writer, a healer, to share my story and perhaps let people know that no matter how difficult life is, you can have a beautiful life! You can succeed. 

Coming home and seeing this article tonight was so timely. It reminded me that life prepared me for this moment. Not just the trials of a warrior or the skills to write it, or market a book, but prepared me for my so-called "coming out." 

It's time to share my joys, silly ambitions, my stories of chasing love, connecting to the unknown and frankly starting to make peace with God. I'm ready for my upcoming trial. I hope you will be there holding my hand, giving me hugs and reminding me that I can do this. That I can step out into the world, emotionally naked, and succeed in my newest journey.

Elizabeth Gilbert On The Ugly Truth About Following Your Passion

Murphy's Law

I discovered a few days ago we are heading into another Mercury Retrograde which will last pretty much the span of October. Mercury always has a grand entrance starting a few days beforehand as it slows down. Things start to go awry and we are left wondering why (more like "why me?"). We discover why quickly. 

Mercury Retrograde also ends with a superb finale leaving you shaking in the corner as you spent the month correcting misunderstandings and a multitude of electronics that mysteriously stopped working. 

Yesterday, I heard the phrase "Murphy's Law" three times. This saying relates not just to my maiden name, but to the thought that everything that could go wrong, will. So, naturally I shuddered at the thought that my October would be faced with this theme. 

How much effect can we have on the inevitable astrological tug? Lots! Here are five ways to ride out the month. 

1) To survive the month retaining your sanity, start to recognize that it will just be complicated.

2) Use your yogic breath and meditation to keep you grounded remembering it's really all small potatoes in the scheme of a lifetime. 

3) Stay indoors! If you're an introvert like me, you're already doing this. Good job! If you're an extrovert, good luck to you. Join the masses using loving kindness techniques recognizing that we are all trying to do the best we can. Fill your heart with compassion. 

4) Your thoughts and emotions have power. Your intention is one of your strongest tools. Keep your thoughts positive and watch this month go by smoothly. 

5) Go with the flow. This may not be the best month to dig your heels in. Stay true to your intuition. 

Remember, it's Mercury Retrograde. When it comes to your work on a computer or tablet, save early and save often!