When I was a child growing up in NYC there was no limit to beggars and homeless people. I don't remember them as aggressive. I was taught like a New Yorker to pass them, to see them like they were less than human.
This wasn't necessarily by my parents (who I did see give money when they had a few cents to give as we struggled as well), but by example of many.
My eyes were always fixated on the homeless, the beggars, even if we walked fast by them. I created stories in my mind for these people. How did they get here? Who did they love and who loved them?
I was accosted by beggars and vendors in India. Having lived in the safe cradle of a small town in PA, I had forgotten this part of the world. I wanted to crawl into a safe place and be pulled away from this. Because while I was in shock from being constantly bombarded with a hard sell and followed endlessly in different places, my heart was breaking each and every time.
It is in my nurture state to want to save everyone. Save from what? Everything! Save everyone from physical and emotional pain. Save everyone from starvation, war, poverty. Save everyone from life and each other.
I'm left in a space of confusion after my trip. There was as many beautiful experiences as there were heart wrenching ones. My husband sees those beautiful moments. He sees the kindness of strangers. He sees the beautiful architecture and history that has survived thousands of years. He sees the grace of the villages we drove through. For me, I remember the pain the most. And in that pain, I am trying to understand how my life is inexplicably altered. How do I move forward? What can I do? Because in my present state, there is nothing I could ever do that would be enough.
It's not that I am questioning my life's purpose but what can I do now to live a life that helps those suffering the most.
