Last night I was sitting on my back porch for awhile. On Tuesday evenings, I gift myself with a yoga class and rest, as my husband and daughter generally have their own activities that night. My yoga class was canceled and I was delighted to get a head start on relaxing, catching up on Lost Girl and The Blacklist since those are the two shows on television I love watching, but can never stay up late enough to watch them.
I found myself feeling sad instead of feeling blissful for having "me time." Sad turned to fear. I started to feel a deep sense of fear of failure and fear of success simultaneously. As I sat, my heart ached with these contradictory feelings.
After a good fifteen minute pity party, I brought myself back together by practicing my simple steps to mental freedom. First I dug deep to find the root of what caused my sadness. It was my fear of failure and success. Next I dug deeper to find where this fear stemmed from. I connected it to feeling a lack of acceptance from my parents during my childhood. And then I did what Pema Chodren often suggests - I peeled away the layers of the onion until I felt just the emotion. I let go of the who, when, where and why. I became the observer of the emotion of fear rather than being in the middle of it.
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| Photo courtesy of luminousmind.net |
Wikipedia says "Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies."
As I read more, Wiki went on to talk about this state in Hinduism, Buddhism, Yoga and other spiritual beliefs. What it boils down to was to achieve equanimity one must start to witness your emotions rather than live in them realizing you are part of something larger.
The word became a reminder from my subconscious, from God, from my guides, from somewhere on how to process emotions. Not knowing what it meant, I still somehow managed to act on the word.
As always, nothing is coincidental. Today's Pema Chodren "Heart Advice," an email from Shambhala said
"March 19, 2014, PAYING ATTENTION TO ALL THE DETAILS
With the commitment to not cause harm, we move away from reacting in ways that cause us to suffer, but we haven’t yet arrived at a place that feels entirely relaxed and free. We first have to go through a growing-up process, a getting-used-to process. That process, that transition, is one of becoming comfortable with exactly what we’re feeling as we feel it. The key practice to support us in this is mindfulness—being fully present right here, right now. Meditation is one form of mindfulness, but mindfulness is called by many names: attentiveness, nowness, and presence are just a few. Essentially, mindfulness means wakefulness—fully present wakefulness. Chögyam Trungpa called it paying attention to all the details of your life."
Mindfulness is being aware of those sounds around you, the wind, the birds chirping, cars driving down the road. It is also being aware of the emotions that arise from you and rather than burying them deep down where they won't bother you for the moment, observing them instead.
In the Therigatha, a Buddhist poem says (of equanimity):
If your mind becomes firm like a rock
and no longer shakes
In a world where everything is shaking
Your mind will be your greatest friend
and suffering will not come your way.
and no longer shakes
In a world where everything is shaking
Your mind will be your greatest friend
and suffering will not come your way.
