Can I blame it on the partial solar eclipse? My emotions for the past week have been running high. I wasn't only worried about people knowing my choices in life. I had decided the reaction of those who would read my book. They wouldn't just be uncomfortable with my life's actions, but flat out offended by my "Sex and The City" like chapters on dating and my blunt NYC tongue. Oh how my mind can magically tell what someone would think before they read my words!
When I was young, my mother often told me I could not share what was going on in my life. So, naturally being young, I did the exact opposite telling everyone everything. As I grew into adulthood, I actually fell into the guidelines my mother set for me as a child. I became hyper private.
On top of that, I had been working for years on not worrying about what people thought about me. After all, everyone's entitled to their opinion and if I had to wait on 7.125 billion people learning to like me, I'd be waiting a very, very long time. I actually thought I mastered that whole part of letting go of what people thought about me thing. However, it is in those moments, when you think you have it down, that suddenly the universe goes "Really?" and gives you a test.
I told my friend today about my emotions running amok this week. I mean I'm telling you! Who's feelings did I hurt? Who did I offend? I was worried if someone at my temple read my book. This was not the one to read! My next one would be. I worried if any of the monks I knew would read it. I worried about what my family would think, my husband, my friends, my yoga students, my friends. In fact, I wondered what that one soul in Alaska or living in Wales (who was surely reading it), would have to say about me. My friend helped talk me down before being swept away in my emotional tornado. She was gracious enough to provide me with an "aha" moment.This time, the universe did not conspire to trick me into facing the fact that I apparently have more work to do. My subconscious did. I had presented myself with the perfect opportunity to release my concerns and tell all. I could have written about meditation or perhaps have written a teen vampire fiction book. But no, I put my life to paper. While my conscious mind was excited and motivated by creativity, my subconscious mind plotted in secrecy. My friend pointed out my subconscious saw that need to kill two birds with one stone. I opened up to release my comfort zone of privacy. I also challenged myself to see if I could release my concern (and predetermination of others points of view).
So, needless to say, this week I have been floundering. However, I now am aware of where I can continue to grow. It doesn't mean that I'll master my flaws by tomorrow. It just means I'm a work in progress and that's O.K. Plus, who's got time to be a narcissist?
"I think we are all hopelessly flawed," Friedrich, Little Women
