Meeting in the Middle of the Bridge

There's an old saying that goes "Don't burn bridges." When I was younger, I didn't understand that-at all. I had no trouble fighting for what I wanted and remove obstacles from my path. Growing up in a household of constant conflict instilled in me a courage for conflict. Growing up with an Italian/Albanian family who would shout at each other everything they thought, probably also contributed to it. The shouting was not meant in a negative way. Some cultures just speak loudly waving their arms in the air. Conversation was a form of expressive art.

I thought the only way to resolve an issue was state what you felt, needed and wanted. And then of course, you push for it. I couldn't understand why others had trouble doing the same. If we danced around our issues, how could we resolve them? If we couldn't agree, I could easily part ways.

On Tuesday evening at my daughter's theatre showcase, the students had one skit with a look at what future college roommates could be like. One duo had conflict resolution. One roommate wanted to talk about the issue of accidentally waking up the other. The passive-aggressive roommate did everything they could to not talk about it, but rather mention snippets of how they were awoken. They refused to have a two-way conversation about the issue. The moment of complete hilariousness of this skit was when the roommate who was woken up showed their shirt that said "You woke me up last night." Again, they didn't want to talk about it, though.

"Pick your battles" is another phrase that entered my world when I was in my early thirties. Sometimes, I would just let an issue go. As I have a tendency to swing from one side of the pendulum to the other so rapidly, I went to the extreme left and started letting myself let go of way too many things. I became that person who avoided the conflict and instead suffered in silence. I would suffer for someone else so they would be happy.

The other day my daughter said how she was having difficulty cleaning her room. She doesn't want to be a hoarder, but finds herself with an emotional bond to almost every physical object, even something another person would consider junk. I told her about something I saw on television once, I think on Oprah. They had a hoarder divide their items into different piles. There was one with items you could not live without or had great sentimental value. Another was items you couldn't decide on or difficult to let go of. The last pile was items you could will yourself to let go of.

We all have these piles. They don't always manifest as physical objects, but rather as negotiations with others. At work, in our relationships, in our personal life, with our schedule. Sometimes we need to make piles of what is non-negotiable, what we need to consider and what we can let go of.

Pont Des Arts in Paris (A.K.A The Love Lock Bridge).
Couples bring locks with their initials and toss
keys into the water. Photo courtesy of
http://peoniesandpancakes.files.wordpress.com/

I think now in my late thirties, I am somewhere in the middle. I've learned to stand up for myself, while holding compassion for the needs of others. Sometimes if something is not a necessity for me, I let it go. It's still a challenge on both ends of the spectrum for me. I still suffer for others. I still fight for what I want. I'm a work in progress seeking balance. However, I find that if I can give myself time and distance from a situation I can find how to categorize the situation. (And being a Sagittarius, that can sometimes be only ten minutes tops.) I have learned that standing up for myself is important. Allowing my basic needs to be pummeled is not healthy. When it comes to my family, I will also certainly turn into mama bear. I practice compassion recognizing that my needs may conflict with someone else's. I say a little prayer for their happiness. And while my initial reaction may be to burn that bridge right up, that is sometimes not necessary I've found.

Perhaps if we met somewhere away from fear and ego, recognized our own needs and the needs of others, we could meet in a peaceful spot on that bridge and share it with one another.